A man and his wife are fast asleep at 3 in the morning when the doorbell rings. Annoyed and grumbling, the man makes his way to the front door, expecting to rip somebody a new one.

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics The bartender says ìIF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICSî.

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that issitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it.

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This guys is sitting at the end of a bar.

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the one in the grave, "I'm cold".

Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop, barbequeing a chicken on a manual rotisserie. A drunk comes walking along and says, "Hey, man...the music stopped, and your monkey's on fire."

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband."How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?""Nope.

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the lasttest has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to thebathroom he decided the latest was another.

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rollsaround, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog.

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.I'll let him pass, there's no hurry.

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick."No," replied McAteer.

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors a

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool."Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally w

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention.

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way downa one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn'tyou see the arrow, buddy?" he asked."An arrow?" the confused driver said.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.

The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse...

There was a drunk man walking down the street turninghis car keys back and forth.

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman."Hi," he said, "I'm new in town.

After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red orgreen. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop.

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says,"Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,"You know, you're right!"

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout his girlfriend being out in the car.The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut througha graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunkfails to see an open grave and falls into it.