A man and his wife are fast asleep at 3 in the morning when the doorbell rings. Annoyed and grumbling, the man makes his way to the front door, expecting to rip somebody a new one.

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick."No," replied McAteer.

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.I'll let him pass, there's no hurry.

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors a

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention.

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool."Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally w

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way downa one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn'tyou see the arrow, buddy?" he asked."An arrow?" the confused driver said.

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman."Hi," he said, "I'm new in town.

The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse...

There was a drunk man walking down the street turninghis car keys back and forth.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout his girlfriend being out in the car.The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red orgreen. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop.

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says,"Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,"You know, you're right!"

There was a young Scotsman called Andy,Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.He lifted his kilt,To wipe up what he spilt,And the barmaid said, "Blimey! That's handy!"

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut througha graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunkfails to see an open grave and falls into it.

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."

Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes.

Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem! Mongo: The hell I do! Buford: The hell you don't!Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink...I get drunk...I fall down. No problem!

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy askingwhat time the bar opens.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal.

Sign of drinking problem...You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."Sent by JC

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:IndubitablyInnovativePreliminaryProliferationCinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:SpecificityBritish ConstitutionPassive-a

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics The bartender says ìIF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICSî.

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that issitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it.