Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

|1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier.

|8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide 7. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?" 6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers 5.

|Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.I thought for a moment

|15. I will not eat other animals' poop. 14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12.

|December 14, 2003Dearest Dave,I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift!

|The first day after ChristmasMy true love and I had a fightAnd so I chopped the pear tree downAnd burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridgeI shot that blasted partridge My true love, my t

|Department Store Santa Peeves8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.6.

|Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO

|5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in ? and visa versa. 4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.3.

|Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers.

|Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produce

|Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future" 9.

|A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.

|RESOLUTION #1: 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2001: I will read 5 books a year.

|A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

|(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',I'm happy -- althoughMy boss let me go --Happily addicted to the Web.All night long, I si

|Signs You're Sick of the Holidays8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes 7. You're serving reindeer pot pie 6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No!

|A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

|Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)10. Read less. 9.

|1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5.

|T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds?

|'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.

|? Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. ? Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. ? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. ?

Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christm

|On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there.

|To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why, Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.

|Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,Not a deputy stirred,they were all on vacation.

|A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know.