Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sun

|An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford tobe screwed for?

|A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted.

How are lawyers like sperm? One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

|Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through thebrush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks theass of the tiger in front.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed.

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.A genie pops out. He says, "I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch.

|Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days.

|"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent."And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated! If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

|At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?How many can you afford?

|An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking hisbrief vacations at this country inn.

|What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?1. How much money do you have?2. Where can you get more?3. Do you have anything you can sell?

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?The cats keep covering them up with sand!

What's the definition of lawyer? The larval form of a politician.

|The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold.

|A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel.

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please".

|A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.

What is the worst thing about our justice system? You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people whoweren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

|A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"He answered no to the question.The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructedthe cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats andget prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the

|One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?Professional courtesy.