|A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.

Two secretaries were talking about their work. "I hate filing," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for.

December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.

Q: What did the black baby say to its mother when it had diarrhea? A: "Mommy, I'm melting!!!"

What's Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?Blowing bubbles.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None.

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

Question: Do you know the difference between mono & herpes?Answer: You get mono from snatching a kiss....

Holiday Banana Bread:Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large bananaInstructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"The old man replied, "It'

A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc. Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected. She wrote, "YES."

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one.

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.2.

I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don't you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line.

What is a country song played backwards?Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your carstarts, you get your job back and life is great.

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

YOUR MOMMA IS SO FAT WHEN SHE FELL IN THE GRAND CANYON SHE GOT STUCK HALF WAY DOWN

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?Burger King showed her it's Whopper.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to thedry cleaners.

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Why are men like popcorn?They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop f

36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"2. "Duct tape won't fix that."3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."4.

Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?Olive ?Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and callhim names"

Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MDFrom "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15Scrotum Self-RepairOne morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse.