|Q: What is the range of a tuba?A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.Q: What's a tuba for?A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car.

|While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.

|Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?A: One is far more painful to your ears.Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?A: I'll tell you when I meet

|Q: What is a chord?A: Three violists playing in unison.Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?A: Music Minus One.Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?A: You

|Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her

|Q: What's the definition of a minor second?A: Two flutes playing a unison.Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

|At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.The oboe player says, "He broke m

|From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No.

|Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?A: A goal post that can't march.Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Just one, but he'll spen

|A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together."Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!""Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

|A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.She asks why he keeps call

|Q: How do you make him stop playing?A: Put notes on it!Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?A: Pick on someone your own size!Q: What's the definition of a minor second?A: Two lead guitarists p

|There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp.

|Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?A: A new age song.Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?A: You get your job and your wife back.Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sk

|The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship.

|Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

|A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the

|A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.

|An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager.Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?A: The Uzi stops after 20

|A harp is a nude piano.A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get i

|Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?A: The bow is moving.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A: Sit in the back and don't play.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A:

|From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.8.

|Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?A: To get away from the noise.Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?A: Good question.

|The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".

|Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert."There's not much room on this page," he said.

|Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g.

|Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.Q: How can you tell

|Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?A: Shoot four of them.Q: What are burning oboes used for?A: To set bassoons on fire.Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?A: Because m

|Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like.

|1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2.