|The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship.

|Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

|There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp.

|Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?A: A new age song.Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?A: You get your job and your wife back.Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sk

|An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager.Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?A: The Uzi stops after 20

|A harp is a nude piano.A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get i

|A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the

|A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.

|Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?A: To get away from the noise.Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?A: Good question.

|The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".

|Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?A: The bow is moving.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A: Sit in the back and don't play.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A:

|From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.8.

|Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.Q: How can you tell

|Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?A: Shoot four of them.Q: What are burning oboes used for?A: To set bassoons on fire.Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?A: Because m

|Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert."There's not much room on this page," he said.

|Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g.

|Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one - but the g

|Q: Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?A: They are always longing for another stop.Q: Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.Q: Wh

|Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like.

|1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2.

|Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To get away from the bassoon recital.Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A: The bassoon burns longer. Q: What is a burning oboe good for?

|Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?A: A flat minor.Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?A: A flat major.Q: What do you say to an army officer

|"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant."You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully.

|Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty.

|Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists

|A note left for a pianist from his wifeGone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet

|Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive linema

|Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once.

|Q: What's the definition of a nerd?A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?A: So they can park in the handicap zones.Q: What do you c

|Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?A: Shoot one.