New scientific thoeries1st RunnerUp- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in aninfinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number ofshotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, th

Two fags are on a picnic,and the first guy says,"I have to take adumpski,"and he walks into the woods to do it.

|Theorem: 1 = 1/2:Proof:We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)+...as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) + ...

|A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy.

Safest Way to Drive Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American drivinghabits, offers the following advice:The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly

New scientific theoriesHONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the Englishlanguage is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in onegeographic area, they turn up in another.

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks overto a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmerappears.

|Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile.

|It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce.

Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages.

New scientific theoriesGRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on itsfeet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the butteredside facing down.

Two bums were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever.Then, one of them got an idea, saying "I know, let's play swords!""Play swords?" asked the other. "How?" "Simple.

|"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley.

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.

The Three Laws of Thermodynamics 1.You can't win. 2.You can't break even. 3.You can't quit the game.

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

|Analysis:1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig.2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant).3.

English is a Crazy Language From: Charlie IndelicatoLet's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplantnor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

|Theorem: All positive integers are equal.Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive intege

|"First and above all he was a logician.

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

|Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.Proof: Suppose that a=b.

|An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material.

Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, an

Handy guide to modern science:If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.If it stinks, it's chemistry.If it doesn't work, it's physics.

|Theorem: 3=4Proof:Suppose:a + b = cThis can also be written as:4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3cAfter reorganizing:4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3cTake the constants out of the brackets:4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c

|A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms.

Is There a Santa Claus?As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help fromthat renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased topresent the annual scien