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JokeClicks

Job Interview No-No's!

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:"You could do worse." "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there." "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start." "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason." "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last." "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault." "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't" "I can go all day without peeing once." "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me." "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath." "I won't sue you when you fire me." "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies." "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job? "I was a sniper in the Army." "The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me." "I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner." "If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to." "I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there." "If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off." "The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think." "You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!" "If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try." "When do we eat?" "How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?" "Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was18." "I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!" "If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck." "I don't DO applications." "If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want." "This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!" "I won't have to do anything, will I" "If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?" "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?" "I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?" "I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job..."

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Joke of the Day

Love Jesus

Love Jesus by Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

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