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JokeClicks

The resume bloopers

|These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.22. Marital status: often. Children: various.23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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Joke of the Day

Stupid Funny Quotes

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford "My fellow astronauts..."--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President "I stand by all the misstatements."--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes "Gerald Ford was a Communist"--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. "We found the term 'killing' too broad."--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5 "This is a great day for France!"--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."--James Baker, televangelist. "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. "What he does on his own time is up to him."--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. "Facts are stupid things."--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

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