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JokeClicks

Violin jokes

|Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?A: The bow is moving.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A: Sit in the back and don't play.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?A: A viola burns longer.Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?A: It is usually still in the case.Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?A: Put it in a viola case.Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?A: Terrorists have sympathizers.Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?A: Because no one will look for them.Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

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"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford "My fellow astronauts..."--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President "I stand by all the misstatements."--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes "Gerald Ford was a Communist"--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. "We found the term 'killing' too broad."--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5 "This is a great day for France!"--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."--James Baker, televangelist. "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. "What he does on his own time is up to him."--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. "Facts are stupid things."--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

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